Marcus (marcus132) wrote,

He's all Flat: Flat Stanley goes to Hollywood

Last week I got a letter from my mom's sister's daughter's son: a position on the family tree that genealogy experts refer to as "cute kid you see once a year in a Christmas card photo."

Sammy and his classmates are participating in the Flat Stanley Project, wherein they fold up Flat Stanley, stuff him in an envelope, and send him to visit a friend. I was chosen to host Flat Stanley for the weekend, because I'm the coolest guy you know if you're a first grader. My assignment was to show Flat Stanley a good time, and then send back a report of his adventure for Sammy to share with his class.

Like any tourist that I host for a weekend, I took Flat Stanley on a whirlwind tour of Hollywood's greatest tourist traps. When Sammy's teacher sees this, he's either going to get an A+ or get sent to the principal's office.

He's all Flat: Flat Stanley goes to Hollywood

Our first stop was the Hollywood sign. The Hollywood sign is a registered trademark of the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, and cannot be used without permission, except for first grade homework assignments! (I assume. Please contact them and pay any applicable fees before posting this photo on your bulletin board.)

In 1932, actress Peg Entwhistle killed herself by jumping off of the H. But don't worry, like all good historical landmarks, the letters have been completely torn down and rebuilt at least three times since then. That means there's no ghosts left!

Next we went to the Kodak Theatre. This is where the Oscars will be awarded next weekend. Those bleachers have been set up so people who are lucky enough to get a seat can yell and scream and further inflate the egos of lame, overhyped Hollywood actors and actresses as they walk by.

Flat Stanley said that he liked Hollywood, because it was the only place he could go and not feel like he had the most two-dimensional personality.

This is Nickelodeon Studios in Burbank. This is where American artists do preproduction work on all of your favorite Nicktoons before sending them off to Korean animators who work for 30 cents a week. This is where SpongeBob lives.

Here's Flat Stanley outside of Grauman's Chinese Theater. In the 1930s, the Chinese was one of the most glamorous movie houses in the world. Today it's part of a seven-screen multiplex and serves as a backdrop against which street hustlers can swindle tourists out of their money.

It was here that we ran into Elmo! Elmo made headlines recently when he was arrested for belligerent panhandling.

Flat Stanley and I gave Elmo a dollar to get our picture taken with him. Despite his reputation, the meanest thing Elmo did was tell me that I look like Tim Allen.

Sometimes celebrities are invited to put their handprints in the cement in front of the Chinese theater. This is me and Flat Stanley with Christopher Walken's handprints. First graders love Christopher Walken, right? Anybody?

You may have seen Christopher Walken in Mousehunt or Kangaroo Jack. If you've seen him in anything else, your parents don't love you.

The sidewalk outside of the Chinese Theater is part of the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Stars are awarded to celebrities for their contributions to motion pictures, live theater, radio, television, or music. These celebrities are also awarded stars for their contribution of $15,000 to the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, which is required before their star is unveiled. It's a good thing famous people are also rich!

Flat Stanley was sad because, being a fictional character, he thought he couldn't get a star on the Walk of Fame. I cheered him up by showing him that cartoons such as the Simpsons, Bugs Bunny, and the Rugrats all have their own stars. Heck, Disneyland has a star, and it's not even anthropomorphic!

I was walking down the street with Flat Stanley in my shirt pocket when I heard a voice yell, "Hey, it's Flat Stanley!" I turned around to look, and who was there but Elvis Presley!

"You know Flat Stanley?" I asked.

"Oh sure," Elvis replied. "I must have had my picture taken with Flat Stanley a thousand times."

"Wanna make it a thousand and one?" I asked.

I hope someday I'm as famous as Flat Stanley.

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