Bullet Point Movie Review: Ultraviolet
• Ultraviolet is the most boring action movie since Electra.

• I've seen movies before where I've said "they showed all of the best parts in the trailer." Ultraviolet is the first movie that ever made me say, "They showed all the best parts in the poster. Here they are, highlighted for your convenience.

• I have no idea how a movie that is allegedly about a hot chick with swords fighting evil in a world of vampires can turn out to suck so hard.

• A note to the writers of Ultraviolet: Pointy teeth alone do not a vampire make. In order for you to call them "vampires," they have to do some vampire-like stuff at some point in the movie. Such as suck blood, turn into bats, or rock out.

• To Ultraviolet's credit, "vampire" might just be a nickname for those suffering from the "Hemophage": a disease that makes them smarter, faster, more agile, and sexier than uninfected humans. Oh, and it gives them pointy teeth. The downside is that it makes one of the infected "Hemophages" throw up one time during the movie. For obvious reasons, the human race has made it their top priority to wipe out this disease rather than, oh, I don't know, make sure everybody catches it.

• The movie begins with a hasty, rapid-fire montage of all of the footage that should have been the first act, narrated with a Mila Jovovich voice-over that basically says "Here's a bunch of crap you should probably know." I recognize this opening. This is the "we couldn't get a test audience to like any cut of this movie, ever, so let's just get to the first fight sequence ASAP" opening.

• A note to the visual-effects director of Ultraviolet: Mila Jovovich is already hot. You don't have to give her the Cybill Shepherd soft-focus until her nose vanishes into a Voldemortesque pair of nostrils.

• This movie has the most pathetic one-liners. Like when Violet confronts a platoon of soldiers and declares, "You're all gonna die." Or when she's fighting the level-boss and he says, "You're gonna die," and after a long, thoughtful pause, she replies, "Nuh-uuuh! You are!"

• Violet has "chameleon-like abilities." That means that she can change the color of her hair, sunglasses, and clothes periodically, for no apparent reason, and with no beneficial effect.

• The special effects in this movie are laughable at best. The whole thing felt like an extended ad for Gillette Mach 3.

• Another note to the writers of Ultraviolet: You can't have a twist ending based around revealing a fact that you firmly reveal halfway through the second act. That doesn't make it a twist ending so much as a "slight, expected veer to the left" ending.

• Ultraviolet sucks. Don't go see it unless you just bought a new watch that you really want to look at a lot.