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1-800-555-5555 18 Nov 2009|10:14pm I'll be damned. Everyone who's ever paid attention to a movie or TV show knows that any telephone number beginning with the 555 exchange is a non-functional number, meant to spare some poor soul with an unfortunately assigned phone number from fielding calls all day for, say, Doc Brown at 555-4385. Lately on my way to work every morning, I've been seeing billboards for an unnamed company running a "financial recovery hotline" at 1-800-555-5555. Now, living in Los Angeles, I see lots of fake ads on my commute. In recent memory are the warnings of bus benches for humans only, or ads for for Jules Cobb Real Estate. Heck, the new season of True Blood spawned a whole campaign of fake ads for real products. So when I saw the 1-800-555-5555, I assumed it was just another viral ad, yet I couldn't find any clues as to what it was supposed to be advertising. So I tried something crazy. I called it. The result? A real financial recovery hotline. As it turns out, the 555 exchange is no longer purely fictional, and apparently hasn't been since 1994. Huh. You learn something new every day. Or, if you're me, every fifteen years. link 6 comments|post comment

A toast to the Quizmaster of 72 Whooping Cough Lane 17 Nov 2009|12:16pm The year the '80s died continues with the tragic loss of TV's Ken Ober. Ken Ober is best known as the host of MTV's Remote Control, the greatest pop-culture game show ever made. Now, on days like these, people who remember will suddenly become huge fans. "Oh yeah! I used to love that show! I used to watch it all the time!" they'll say. "It had that guy on it. You know, what's his name. And he did that thing! It was so funnae!" Well I really did love that show. Really. As a kid, I always said that on my 18th birthday (so as to meet the show's eligibility requirements) I would be there, in Ken Ober's basement, winning myself a Mitsubishi Montero (It's a hot machine. It's the car you want to be in when you want to be seen.). Sadly, the show went off the air in 1990, four years short of my dream coming true. To this day, I have a period Remote Control T-shirt and a mint-condition edition of the home game, upon which I have never been defeated. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. I loved Remote Control so much that, as a kid, I swear to God, I built a fully functional version of the show's basement set in my own basement. It had a "Big Zenith" made from a big cardboard box, complete with channel indicators made of different colored construction paper mounted on strings (to simulate turning off the bulbs when the category was finished) and a screen made from an old dishwasher front panel to which I could magnetically attach my own marker drawings of the category art. It had the three contestant chairs, with trapdoors rigged between the ceiling beams, allowing me to pull a cord and drop a load of snacks on my contestants at the end of the first round. It had the final round's big green TV monster, made of an old shower curtain with "TV screens" made from pages cut out of a rock magazine. I had an ancient organ keyboard propped up on a shelf to create Steve's little musical lair. And, in an insane level of detail understood only by true devotees to the show, I made a giant Bob Eubanks PEZ dispenser with a tiebreaker question hidden safely in his neck. When I said the set was fully functional, I meant it. I actually wrote enough questions for an entire episode, and convinced my parents and a cousin to play a full game, with me in the role of Ken Ober. If I remember correctly, Mom made it to the final round, but could not identify Def Leppard, Poison, or Ratt. Needless to say, the show had a profound effect on my adolescent psyche. I credit much of my love for the pop-culture trivia of classic TV and '80s hair metal to Remote Control, and I credit much of Remote Control's uniquely addictive voice and style to Ken Ober. You helped to make me who I am today, Ken Ober. You probably owe me an apology. Ken Ober - 1957-2009 link 4 comments|post comment

Tofurky and Gravy Soda! 16 Nov 2009|08:59pm Yay! For once we vegetarians aren't left out of a disgusting Thanksgiving novelty! Has anyone seen this in stores? I want to drink some sweet soy-based-meat-substitute-with-gravy flavored carbonated beverage, but I'm ethically opposed to buying anything online where the item price and shipping price are equal. Plus I don't need their dumb lunchbox or potentially non-nauseating desert flavors. link 2 comments|post comment

Bullet Point Review: The Fourth Kind 07 Nov 2009|09:35pm • The Fourth Kind is, if the marketing is to be believed, based on "archival footage" of "the most disturbing evidence of alien abduction ever documented." This actual footage is combined with reenactments, with ghoulish real-world psychologist Dr. Abigail Tyler played by hot model/actress Milla Jovovich. • First off, for the sake of argument, let's assume that the "real" footage in this film really is really real, with no quotes. In that case, the real footage in this film is absolutely chilling. If some of these real clips of real people don't send a shiver up your spine, you are simply not alive. They run the gamut from disturbing to outright terrifying. Because they are real. Really real. You believe they're real, because they have a lot of people screaming, and they get crazy distorted whenever something interesting happens. • The real footage is gold. The trouble with the movie comes in the reenactments, which are poorly acted and horribly shot. As I've said before, if a film is directed poorly enough that I notice it, then somebody has really gone out of their way to do a shitty job. Oh, I get it, aliens come from the sky! So we should have lots of really high crane shots, 'cause that's how aliens see us parking our cars! And there is no such thing as "too long" when it comes to tight profile shots of a man's talking lips. And, you know what? Go ahead and spin that camera whenever you can. It won't take us out of the movie and make us sick at the same time. It'll be great. • For example, we hear a horrifying totally real, real-world audiotape of Dr. Tyler's bloodcurdling screams while an unknown entity speaks Sumerian to her in an inhuman voice. After taking us to the edge of our seats, why on earth would you dilute the interview footage of the real Dr. Tyler's reaction to this with a frenetic bullshit montage of scrolling 24 squares full of a pensive Milla Jovovich and a tape deck rewinding? It's like the director is trying his damnedest to destroy all of the totally real, real-world tension of the moment. • By now, I think you can see that the only thing this movie has going for it is the incredible totally real, real-world archive footage that is its heart and driving force. Because, were this movie to be fictional, it would be completely boring and pointless. As they say, "Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense." We forgive The Fourth Kind for being an illogical mess of loose ends and unmotivated choices because it's totally real, real life, and not an unforgivably poorly written script that no rational person would possibly believe. • On an unrelated note, outside of a few scattered mentions on freshly made websites that no longer exist, nobody has ever heard of totally real, real-world psychologist Dr. Abigail Tyler. link 1 comment|post comment

Geek Monthly - November 2009 05 Nov 2009|11:36am It's November, so that means, purely in theory, there is a November issue of Geek Monthly. Should this issue actually exist, you can find my Random Reviews on pages 76 and 78 including Think Gum, the Shred Sled, Minoru 3D Webcam, the Beamz, MARBS, and Nerf N-Strike for Wii. Do you want to be reviewed in an increasingly improbable magazine? Send your stuff for review here: Geek Monthly Attn: Random Reviews 29219 Canwood St. Suite 100 Agoura Hills, CA 91301 link 3 comments|post comment

Where's the costumes? 03 Nov 2009|10:27am All right, it's November 3. Where are everybody's Halloween costume pictures? You haven't all left us for Facebook, have you? link 8 comments|post comment

Never work with kids or ewoks... 01 Nov 2009|09:34pm This is what live TV is all about. Stick with it, it only gets better. link 5 comments|post comment

Halloween: MacAbree Manor 2009 01 Nov 2009|06:26pm Here it is, November first, and all of the creepy creeps and haunted hangers-on of MacAbree Manor have slipped into the ether for another year. Thanks to everyone for another great party! Amanda has posted a bunch of pictures, and so has Gary This year our old pal Boris tried his hand at setting up a photo studio in the middle of the mansion. The results are here. Our costumes were pretty simple this year. After last year's Borg vs. Dalek debacle, we made a vow that this year we would we would have costumes that let us sit down and fit through doorways. Our vow for next year? No mustaches. ( Click here to see why... ) link 2 comments|post comment

Starlight: Thriller before it was Thriller 28 Oct 2009|03:05pm Speaking of "Thriller," Creepy L.A. has an interesting story today. Did you know that "Thriller" was originally called "Starlight"? It's totally bizarre to hear this song with different lyrics. link 5 comments|post comment

The New New Nightmare 27 Oct 2009|02:50pm So, as you probably know, there's a new Michael Bay produced A Nightmare on Elm Street on the way. The discussion of whether or not this film needed to be remade aside, there is something in this trailer that deeply troubles me. At the 32 second mark, Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Krueger is cornered by angry parents, and screams a sincere sounding, "What do you think I did?! I didn't do anything!" Now, in the original Nightmare, Freddy was a child molester/murderer who was set free on a legal technicality and was then burned to death by parents who took the law into their own hands. Freddy was the "son of a hundred maniacs." He had it coming. He was a bad, bad man. Remember when they remade The Grinch who Stole Christmas and turned the Grinch into a sympathetic character with a tragic backstory? Remember when they remade Halloween and turned Michael Myers into a sympathetic character with a tragic backstory? I'm afraid that they're about to remake A Nightmare on Elm Street and turn Freddy Krueger into a sympathetic character with a tragic backstory. I can already see a skewed version of Nightmare where Freddy Krueger is a volunteer at a children's hospital. He loves the kids, and the kids love him. But one day a bottle of acid falls off an orderly's cart and onto a young girl. Freddy rips her clothes off to save her from the soaking spill, but it's too late. She dies in his arms, naked and mangled, just in time to be discovered by the hedonistic head doctor who cares more about the hospital turning a profit and banging hot nurses than he does about the kids. There is no trial. The reality-TV-driven community doesn't want to listen to facts, they just want the instant gratification of burning the innocent Freddy to death. But since his soul was so pure and theirs were so black, he is granted the supernatural ability to appear in dreams just to punish the "sheeple" of Springwood by killing their kids. Which tortures him, because he loves kids so much. We're really going to feel for Freddy this time. It's going to be great... link 3 comments|post comment

Halloween Slacker 26 Oct 2009|11:30pm It has been brought to my attention that Slacker Internet radio has a Halloween station. Create your own Slacker Station now Enjoy! link post comment

Thrill the World 2009 25 Oct 2009|01:52am The numbers are not yet confirmed, but I think it's safe to say that this year's Thrill the World worldwide "Thriller" dance off shattered last year's record. Last year there were 114 zombie dancers here in Los Angeles. This afternoon there were about 2,300 of us downtown in Nokia Plaza. They had Chick Hearn Court closed down and we spilled all the way back to the Staples Center. It was madness. Amanda and I ended up at the back of the crowd, and you can see us in this person's home video. At the start of the video, we're lying side-by-side center screen at the bottom of the frame. I'm the brown, standard zombie, and Amanda is the pink and orange undead lady from the '80s. At 2:56 I totally grab her butt. I'm a naughty zombie. As a side note, to whatever chimpanzee was emceeing this thing: Repeating the question "What time is it?" over and over and over again is not a way to energize a crowd. It's a way to make a crowd want to kick your ass. link 7 comments|post comment

An open letter to a pumpkin-jacker... 19 Oct 2009|04:46pm Dear Antenna Ball Stealer, I remember a time, not as long ago as it seems, that Union 76 gas stations used to have huge, spherical orange signs that they dressed up as Jack O'Lanterns for Halloween. At Halloween time, for just the price of a fill-up and a buck, you could get a tiny miniature reproduction of that huge pumpkin-faced sphere to put on your car's antenna. About ten years ago, I did just that, and gave the little guy to my new girlfriend, Amanda. Every year since then she's put it on the antenna of her car every October, storing it away with the Halloween decorations on November first. After a decade of this TLC, it still looked like new when my wife Amanda put it on her car this year. Yesterday you noticed this happy orange ball grinning from her antenna, and apparently decided that we've been holding onto it all these years just for you. I thank you for at least having the courtesy to not break the antenna as you stole it right off of her car. Seeing as how these pumpkin-faced toppers have not been distributed for years, it is impossible to replace, apparently, even on eBay. I can't even find a picture of one online. They've become that rare. Amanda's may have been the last of the breed. At any rate, it was almost certainly the last one in Mar Vista. So, I'm just writing you this letter to let you know that if I happen to see your car in my neighborhood sporting a 76 pumpkin, I'm taking it back. And I might not be as gentle about it as you were. Your old pal, Marcus link 3 comments|post comment

Scared Stiff 18 Oct 2009|08:57am You know what word I never hear people use anymore? Stiffie. I encourage all of you to go out there today and get a stiffie. Or, if you can't get one, cause one. link 1 comment|post comment

Dragged to Hell! 15 Oct 2009|11:01pm Holy crap. I just finally saw Drag Me to Hell on DVD. I'm actually kind of thankful I missed it in the theater. It's unrelentingly intense. I was biting my nails through the whole thing. I could have gnawed off a finger if I had seen it on the big screen. It was terrifying, disgusting, and hilarious all at the same time, in the way that only Sam Raimi can be. I spent half the movie with a scream caught in my throat, gagged by a stupefied giggle. As a scholar of the elements of farce, I saw the ending coming a mile away, but even so, I was still literally sweaty and out of breath by the time the credits rolled. If you haven't seen this movie, rent it now. But be sure to watch it with a spotter. link 5 comments|post comment

The Halloween Trilogies 15 Oct 2009|12:52pm Earlier this week, Amanda rented Halloween: Resurrection. After giving it six years to mature, I still hated it just as much as I did in 2003. The reason I hate the movie so much is that it hastily undoes Halloween: H20's neat conclusion to the series just to crap out a totally unnecessary sequel. The whole thing is total bullshit. If the movie can be said to have a high point (which it can't), it's that you get to see a 22-year-old Katee Sackhoff get herself decapitated, complete with close-ups of a really really bad fake head. Anyway, after rewatching this piece of junk and H20, it occurs to me that (the Rob Zombie bullshit not withstanding), the Halloween series is really made up of two separate trilogies and change: the Good Trilogy, the Forgettable Trilogy, and the Remainder. The Good Trilogy is, of course, Halloween, Halloween II, and Halloween: H20 (aka Halloween 7). This is the beginning, the middle, and the end of the Laurie Strode/Michael Myers story. All three of these movies are fun, memorable, and fit together without having to see any of the other movies. These are the ones to watch in your Halloween movie marathon. The Forgettable Trilogy is Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers, Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers, and Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (aka Halloween 6). These movies are based on parts one and two, but don't really require having actually seen them. At some point inbetween films two and four (but not in part three), Laurie Strode had a daughter and then died in a car wreck. This daughter, Jamie Lloyd, is the focus of the Forgettable Trilogy, but is never even mentioned in the next movie, H20. These films just lift out. They're sort of fun and interesting as a separate story, but are, as my title suggests, forgettable. The Remainder is Halloween III: Season of the Witch and Halloween: Resurrection. These movies are the blight on the franchise. As you probably know, Season of the Witch is a weirdo one-off that does not feature Michael Myers. And, worse, it's not even a good movie. The only good thing to come out of Halloween III is this classic earworm. And I've already touched upon what's wrong with Resurrection. A full description of how terrible that movie is would be outside the scope of this essay. I guess my point is, not only should there never be another original-series Halloween sequel, but three of the existing films should be rebranded as Halloween: The Next Generation and two of them should be incinerated like tainted trick-or-treat candy. link 5 comments|post comment

Slowest. Mac. Ever. 15 Oct 2009|11:10am The computer I have to use at work is a Mac. We all know how I feel about Apple products in general, but this is the slowest Mac in the world. We're not even using it for anything taxing. Just word processing and Internet. But it's literally a matter of click on "compose," wait for nine seconds of pinwheel before the window pops up, start typing, wait for twelve seconds of pinwheel, watch the sentence rattle onto the screen. It's infuriating. Assuming that there is no money to fix this problem (because if there's one thing Disney doesn't have, it's money to facilitate critical day-to-day operations), do you Mac geniuses have any suggestions on what can be done to speed this thing up a little? Here's the specs: OS: 10.4.11 Processor: 1.25 GB Intel Core 2 Duo Memory: 1.25 GB 667 MHz DDR2 SDRAM link 8 comments|post comment

Geek Monthly - October 2009 12 Oct 2009|03:47pm If you're luckier than I am, then you may have already received your copy of the October Geek Monthly. On pages 78 and 80 there are ostensibly Halloween-themed reviews, including Huggable Urns, Hershey’s Miniatures Memory Sticks, TV Games Motion - Star Wars Clone Wars, the Metal Detecting Sandals, NERF N-Strike for Wii, and the Women of Marvel Halloween Costume Collection. Incidentally, I gave the Marvel costumes a rating of 97%. It was Geek's crack layout team who decided to give it a 78% (which was actually the rating for the Crystal Catch Fish in the previous issue. Copy! Paste! Fail! Again! It's funny every time it happens.). Trick or treat. Send your stuff for review here: Geek Monthly Attn: Random Reviews 29219 Canwood St. Suite 100 Agoura Hills, CA 91301 link 17 comments|post comment

Trick 'r Treat: Buy it now! 10 Oct 2009|11:38pm Back in January of 2007, Warner Brothers flew me (in my capacity as a reporter for Geek Monthly) to Vancouver to visit the set of an upcoming movie called Trick 'r Treat. While I was on the set I got to interview Brian Cox, Tahmoh Penikett, and Michael Dougherty (among others), and I came home with three tapes worth of material to hammer into a feature for the magazine. The studio started leaning on us to run something ASAP, so I squeaked a one-page preview into the June/July '07 issue with the promise of "a more in-depth piece when the movie eventually comes out." Astute readers will note that this article never materialized. At the time, Warner put the feature on hold, saying that the movie was being postponed for a Halloween '08 release. Astute moviegoers will note that this also never materialized. Having been all but forgotten (outside of some sparse, art-house screenings over the past two years), Trick 'r Treat quietly snuck out on home video this week. After watching it, it's obvious to me why this movie got buried by the studio: Studios like to put out shitty movies. Trick 'r Treat is oustanding. The format is immediately evocative of the classic anthology horror movies, but better, in that all of the stories intertwine nonlinearly. Sigh. Okay, fine, I'll say it. Trick 'r Treat is like Creepshow meets Pulp Fiction! The movie is everything that Dougherty promised me on that cold January morning north of the border. You get to see Halloween through the eyes of three different age groups: Kids trick or treating and playing pranks, young adults whoring it up at a party, and the cranky old man who just wants the damn kids off his lawn. Not to mention the married couple who love and hate Halloween, and the school principal who... has some issues. This is not only a must-see, but a must-buy. Its twists and turns and interwoven stories guarantee repeat viewings. I'm putting it in my "watch it every Halloween" file, right next to the original Halloween itself. Mark my words, Trick 'r Treat is a cult favorite that has just begun to recruit. link 8 comments|post comment

Zombify yourself 10 Oct 2009|09:19am Kill (and reanimate) yourself online, at Zombieland's Zombify Yourself. We've all done this sort of thing before (if our jobs are boring enough), but I like this one because it's totally manual. You don't just have to upload a picture of yourself looking expressionlessly straight into the camera (because we all have a bunch of those laying around) and let the computer magic happen (badly). This one requires a tiny bit of skill, and a little bit of braaaaaaaaaaaaains. link 3 comments|post comment

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